I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for ages. I’ve been procrastinating non-stop. I mean, why would I write something that potentially no one will ever read?
But I have this little voice inside my head telling me to do it. There are words inside of me that need to find their way out and to be acknowledged. So here I go.
I have spent most of my life not fulfilling, acknowledging or realising my true purpose. Instead my mind has been completely distracted by the feeling that I don’t belong, that I’m not good enough and that somehow, I don’t deserve to figure it out. I’ve focused on the norms of society – get good grades, get married, have babies and struggle to survive in the crazy Sydney I-can’t-afford-to-live-here vortex.
So how did I get to a place where I thought I wanted to be and yet I’m sitting here feeling unrealised and unfulfilled? Well my entire life I tried to fit in, to make the people around me happy and to avoid conflict at all costs. I found myself unable to truly express myself, miserable, and at some stage in my childhood I began to eat the pain away.
I ate way too much food, and aside from thinking garlic bread and potato chips were the MOST delicious things in the world, I know the cause was emotional. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I didn’t feel like anyone understood me.
The way I felt about myself was like a dark cloud around me, and it attracted a lot of bullying-type behaviour from my peers. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy really.
Anyway, my weight grew the more I tried to comfort myself. I wasn’t popular, I had a few friends but I questioned if they really liked me because I just felt so unlovable. I tried hard to fit in, I kept getting back up every time I was knocked down. But eventually you just get exhausted you know? I think I was in year 5 or 6 when I hit 60kg. (I am a woman in her thirties, I’ve had two children, and I weigh less than that now).
I remember in year 6 a boy coming up to ask me if I wanted to go to the end of school dance, I didn’t even like him, but I said yes because I knew I wouldn’t be asked again. It was only a few moments later he came back with all of his friends and they all started taunting me – ‘as if anyone would EVER want to go with you”. Thinking about it makes me tear up even now.
At the age of 8 or so I remember walking to the kitchen and opening the drawer, picking up a knife and wondering just how much it would hurt if I plunged it into my heart. Yep, I wanted OUT! I wanted to die. I wanted all of the cruel looks, sniggers, taunts and horribleness of my life to just disappear. I’m not sure what it was that stopped me. I’m glad I did because I have two awesome children who make the world a better place, and bring so much joy to the lives of all who know them. (I did really good there).
When I got older I lost a lot of weight, on purpose, on a diet. The only problem was I still felt like the same person, I saw myself through the same eyes and I didn’t cut myself any slack. “You’re ugly”, “no one wants to know you”, “you have nothing to offer”, “no one would EVER want to be with you” and so it goes on.
That mindset took me to other dark and often misunderstood places. I restricted what I ate, lost even more weight, but was never happy. I binged, threw up, binged again. THAT WAS REALLY NOT FUN! I started to exercise, I let it take over my life and control everything. I wasn’t happy then either. I spent a lot of time, energy and life being incredibly unhappy.
I made poor choices when it came to relationships, I thought anyone who gave me attention was the right person because I hadn’t had any attention in my younger years. I thought it was as good as it would get because, wow, someone actually wanted me. This led to tears, lots of them. I probably spent most of my first 22 years crying.
I’ve spent my life wondering what is wrong with me (and crying), why no one wanted me and why I just could never amount to anything. I know I’m smart, I got 97.15 in my HSC. What did I do with it? NOTHING. Because in my mind I always believed that I wasn’t good enough.
Well you know what I recently figured out?
It’s not true.
I am AMAZING. I am kind. I am compassionate. I love WAY TOO much. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am sincere. I care. I am determined. I am disciplined. I am smart. I am loyal. I am a good friend. I am a good mother. I am better than good. I am exactly who I should be and that is incredible. I am more than enough.
I still haven’t figured out exactly what my ‘purpose’ is. I am working on that. I refuse to waste anymore of my life. Sometimes I feel a bit sad I lost so much time already. Just for a moment. I don’t dwell though.
I really wish I could have told my younger self to just ‘be’, that I was enough, I was lovable and that I was exactly who I should be.
So now that I’ve finally figured it out, I’m really enjoying getting to know myself. My real self, not the self I’ve been trying to be for everyone else.
Aside from that, for now, my most important purpose is to instil a sense of enough in my children. That them simply being who they are, is enough.
With a hopeful, loving heart,