I am not ok

I woke up today and I realised that I am not ok.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I will be ok and that it will all turn out in the end, and everything happens for a reason. I get that bit.

But what I realised is that I am not ok. Right now, I am not ok.

I’m feeling a level of exhaustion I haven’t felt since I had chronic fatigue syndrome in my early 20s. I know, fully, that I am the creator of my life and that this is a direct result of my thoughts and actions over a period of time. So I’ve decided to call a time out.

I need to close up shop for a while, pull down the blinds and spend some serious time on self care. Mostly in the way of sleep and having time out from all of the doing that is so easy to get caught up in, in the world.

I’ve realised, today, that I’ve been pushing myself so hard my entire life, that as I said to my husband I actually feel like I can’t function anymore.

How did this happen? Well, there are a few factors at play.

With my programming from a very young age, I have had very little self worth for my entire life. My measure of worth and me being ‘ok’ was how I could help other people and make their lives easier. The serial rescuer, that needed approval from other people as validation for her existance.

Would you like to know what that manifested for me in this life?

Chronic illness, including and absolutey not limited to: Epstein Barr Virus, a number of other serious and destructive viruses, chemical sensitivities, food sensitivities, recurrent sinus infections, chronic joint pain, exhaustion, chronic fatigue and a serious staph infection that went on for a year.

I have encountered serious depression, with two bouts of needing antidepressants, destructive eating disorders and exercise addiction. Not to mention a perfectionist obsession which has seen me make myself sick to achieve high level academic scores and praise in the workplace. Because I was only ok if everything I did was good and perfect.

For my whole life I have been searching for the solutions to all of these ills in the quest for good health. I have spent thousands, upon thousands of dollars, hours of time, worry and stress determined that I was going to sort this puzzle and kick illness in the butt. I’ve seen every kind of doctor, natural therapist and healer. Seriously.

A good twenty five years into the search and the battle, things are getting better. However there continues to be more of the same. So it’s like one step forward, two back, three forward, one back. It’s been long and exhausting, physically and emotionally.

But you see, the solution isn’t something outside of myself. The solution is inside.

If I keep doing what I’ve always done, I am only going to continue to get the same result… and I’m not interested anymore. Well, I was never interested, but I didn’t know any better. Today I know better. So today I change.

How am I going to change?

I need to give myself a break, from myself.

From my expectations, and the resulting expectations of those around me.

From who I have believed myself to be, and have been living as.

A break from the slave driver inside of me that kept going because of the fear of what would happen if I didn’t.

But I’m not scared anymore.

And if I don’t take care of myself, then there won’t be a me to take care of anymore… and that is just not cool. I’m not down with that.

I am standing of the edge of breaking, or a breakthrough.

Today I am grateful that I can see clearly, and that I have choices in every moment that can lead me to that breakthrough.

Empowered choices honouring the love I have begun to remember and nurture for myself.

Not choices based on fear that I have been making until now.

So, here’s to empowered choices made with love. May you make them for yourself today and everyday.

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