You cannot hide from your feelings. It’s tempting, and sometimes it actually seems like you’ve got things sussed and it’s the right way to go… but the truth is, it will come back at you. And it can pour out in any way, at any time, and catch you completely unaware.
Let me give you an example.
Many years ago, after a car accident, I miscarried my second pregnancy in the first trimester. My dad had recently been diagnosed with a terminal neurodegenerative disease, so for me it was easy to intellectualise the Universe and say ‘This baby couldn’t come because I need to take care of my dad, and it would be very hard being pregnant and being a carer.’ It made sense didn’t it? It all worked out because the Universe knew that I needed to be physically and emotionally capable of caring for my dad in the months leading up to his passing.
It’s true, the Universe knew what it was doing. But what I didn’t realise is that I gave myself a pass and I made like an emu; I stuck my head in the sand. I didn’t think that I needed to grieve because it was for the highest good and it made sense.
Boy was I wrong.
Years later I was working with a dear friend who is a super talented psychic medium (that doesn’t even begin to describe the work she does), and she said to me, ‘there’s some grief that you have to release’. I immediately thought she was talking about my dad and told her that it wasn’t possible because I had done so much work around his passing (ego much?).
It wasn’t until about a week later when I went into a meditation that it all became clear. It didn’t take long for the feelings to come up and for me to become completely hysterical in my grief, it was raw emotion. I cried and cried and cried, and I healed.
Recently, I realised I had done a similar thing, same concept, different scenario. I made the same mistake, because I am very conscious (I’m on a journey along the continuum and learn more everyday) and I know the Universe has my back.
But this time I have really learnt it, and viscerally not just intellectually.
We need to feel how we feel to get through whatever it is we are going through even if we understand it is for the highest good. We get through the darkness by feeling it in its entirety, by wading in it’s depths and letting it dissolve into the light as we feel and let go.
At some point the hole in your chest that feels like a mortal wound starts to heal and you realise you are stronger than you ever knew, or ever thought possible. Those times where you felt like you couldn’t go on, like you couldn’t breathe, but you did, and you grew.
It’s these times in our lives, the wounding in our hearts that we heal, that make us kinder, more compassionate and more loving than ever before. Where we learn the most about ourselves; the brokenness leads us to realising our beauty.
We always have the choice to learn the lesson, and if like me you don’t get it… well it will come back around until you do. I’ve got it this time, and I will never let myself bypass the opportunity for growth or healing again.
Realising my beauty, learning my lessons, feeling everything and getting comfy with the rawness of me,